Part 29: Boom, Town

In which we meet Osmund and he promptly tries to murder us before Leonard accidentally murders him.


So we move on immediately from the Direspider boss fight and Caesar’s declaration of trust in Kara, despite her copping to being the Black Knight/General Dragias/A Glenn Beck fan/[INSERT OTHER BAD THING HERE].


A short run (and a metric crapton of insect type enemies) later, we come to a landbridge across the canyon.


Around the bend are a group of enemies…


That promptly blink out of existence when you approach them because the next cutscene is triggered.

White Knight Chronicles! I’m getting sick of just using the game’s title as shorthand for how much Level-5 absolutely sucks.


CUTSCENE: The Downed Windwalker


On another stretch of canyon ridge, we find a crashed Windwalker plane.


Rocco: What? How can this be? I just fixed this yesterday…


CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Rocco’s Thanks” (Disc 2, Track 11)

Rocco: No, this one goes here, yes yes yes. Well, uuuh, noooo…


For all his tinkering, the Windwalker’s engine backfires on him anyway.

This, by the way, is Rocco. He’s an intermittently important character in both this game and the next one. He’s also a member of Osmund’s Windwalker squadron, and was among the Windwalkers who attacked the Greaver in the last chapter.

…I’m assuming, anyway. Of the one or to not-Osmund Windwalkers you can get a clear look at, none of them are wearing Rocco’s distinct outfit, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because Rocco’s actually a decent pilot, he’s just got shit luck, as we’re gonna see in full graphic detail soon enough.


See what I mean? Leonard has just entered his life. That’s about as unlucky as you can get in this game. God, I’m gonna need to make more room in the “Deceased Characters” section, aren’t I?

Leonard: What in the world?


Yulie: Isn’t that one of the Windwalkers we saw?


Eldore: His glider must have broken.

Hey, that’s not a barely intelligible grunt! Bad Charles Shaughnessy! Level-5 isn’t paying you to speak in complete sentences.

Also, these things have propellers and are capable of self-propelled flight, ergo they’re not “gliders.” Yet that’s the name they stick with for both games.


Rocco goes to try to reattach his busted wing, aaaaand…


Falls on his ass. The failure vortex intensifies.


Yulie: He can’t fix it alone.


Yulie: We should help.
Orren: Yeah, because you know all about fixing ramshackle Papitaur “technology”.

Said with the verbal equivalent of sixteen quotation marks around technology. Papituar tech is kind of like Ork tek, only without the needless guns and Cockney accents. We’ve got the Toads for those…

The Cockney accents, I mean. I don’t think the heroes employ anything close to firearms technology in this game.


So Yulie and Leonard wander over to lend the poor lad a hand, while Team Smart People (and Eldore) hang back.


Eldore: Wait! Stay here!

You perpetual killjoy. Yulie’s trying to railroad Leonard into actually doing something decent for once, leave them alone you old coot.

Also ha hah, nobody listens to anything you say any more.

Orren: Hah! Welcome to the club, Not-Remmington Steele.




Rocco takes a step back, ponders how screwed he is and decides to just end it all by leaping into the canyon below.


And then he catches sight of Leonard, and, heedless of the fact that Leonard is the Harbinger of Doom…


Starts cheering over his perceived salvation.


Run, you idiot, run.


Rocco: Ho ha ha hahah! Helloooooooo!

That thing in the lower-left of the screenshot, by the way, is a Pygmy Greaver about to poke its head out over the ridge.

God, Leonard and a baby existential horror. Rocco has the shittiest luck ever.


Rocco: Hellooooo! Ho hah!


He keeps laughing and waving…


And laughing and waving…


As the mini vagina dentata monster lurches towards him. You’d think with the noise this thing is making, Rooco would have heard it, especially with those giant rabbit ears, but nope, he’s currently afflicted with “Theplotdemandsitis,” a terrible condition which has being going around the cast of White Knight Chronicles an awful lot lately wherein people are incapable of noticing critical details often to their detriment, because, well, the Plot demands it.


Yulie & Leonard: Woah!




Rocco: Duu-aaaaah… huh?


Rocco, meet teeth. Teeth, meet Rocco.


Rocco: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!


Leonard: Come on!
Orren: If you manage to not kill him in the crossfire, I’ll give you a cookie.
Leonard: Wow! Really? What kind?
Orren: Fuck you. Transform.


Leonard: O Wizel, white warrior, wielder of the ancient sword…


Caesar: O Larvaye, vermillion drake, leveler of ancient lands…


Caesar & Leonad: Grant me your power...






Caesar & Leonad: Verto!








(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

THIS ISN’T FUNNY ANY MORE!!!


Okay, another double Knight Battle.


So Goofus and Gallant rush the Pygmy Greaver, even though from this angle it looks like it already ate Rocco while they were doing their needless transformation incantations.

Meh.


BOSS FIGHT: Pygmy Greaver (with commentary by nine-gear crow and Blind Sally)

And so the sad state of affairs of two humongous magical suits of armour formerly fueled by the souls of infants combatting equally humongous monsters with spectacular weapons and abilities actually being one of the boringest part of the game continues apace.


This is actually another miniboss fight dolled up to look like a plot battle. After this, Pygmy Greavers are going to be all over Frass Chasm, usually in areas large enough to allow Knight combat.

The Pygmy Greavers, and their pallet swaps, are weak to stabbing attacks like Thrust.






Once again, there’s barely any room to manouver in this little boss arena for one Knight. Throwing two Knights and an equally large monster in here means you’re really not going anywhere. And the Greaver have some pretty powerful impact attacks that can send you flying right to the other side of the arena, pinning you against the invisible wall whilst it has its way with you.


Luckily, though, I was totes overleveled for this fight, so Caesar and Shitforbrains made short work of the hexapodal monstrosity. Dumbass even landed the killing blow while I wasn’t looking. With a stabbing attack too.

Congratulations, Level-5, you’re remedial AI did something right by accident!


As Blind Sally points in in the video, this Greaver was probably aggro’d by Leonard’s prescence in the area ala Ahwahnee and was probably a completely innocent creature. Which Leonard thusly murdered. Because that’s all Leonard knows how to do.

He’s like a less effective Caim from Drakengard, only bereft the capacity for true, intentional homicidal rage.


CUTSCENE: Rocco’s Medieval Life


Actually, I take that back. As the Greaver bellows its deathscream, Leonard rushes in to show off with one last unnecessary slash at it.







God, even in cutscenes the AI can’t match enemy weaknesses. Stab it you twit!












I’m pretty sure this was how Kuromori died in Shadow of the Colossus. …God, I really want Wander to show up and stab Leonard in the head right now.


And so Team Caesar celebrates by doing their customary “Reverting to Human Form Before the Crisis Has Actually Ended” thing.


Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned through painful repetition in this game so far, it’s that Leonard and competence are anathema to one another.


The Greaver launches its long tendril tongue out trying to Balrog one of the boys and take them with it to its death.




Make that tongues—plural, apparently.


Pleasebeleonardpleasebeleonardpleasebeleonard




Tits.




Caesar: Urgh!


Caesar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_{hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!}


Kara: Ugh. Really?!






Wow, of all the characters Leonard’s stupidity would claim, I never thought it would hit as close to home as frickin Caesar! Wow. I guess this game really can’t abide interesting characters after all then.




Yulie: CAESAR!
Leonard: Dammit!
Eldore: Give the canyon floor my regards, smartass!


Eldore: I didn’t expect this…
Orren: Yeah, because you’ve just been batting a thousand in the foresight department before this, right?


But luckily, we have backup Competent Party Member with us, so Kara swoops down in Black Knight form and saves Caesar’s manpretty ass from the Greaver.






Caesar: Who loves ya, baby?
Kara: I can still drop you, you know.
Caesar: Eh. Worth it.




She lets him off gently and flies away to conveniently reappear once all the madness has died down even though only one person in this party still doesn’t know/might actually care that she’s the Black Knight.








Dah Da Da Da Daaah! Da Da Daaah! Dah Da Da Da Daaah—WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MORE HEROIC THAN THE SUPPOSED HERO OF THIS GAME?!




And nobody bothers to turn around and see that Kara has gone missing again.


Leonard: What the hell is going on?
Orren: Okay, so there’s the girl we’ve been traveling with, her name is—
Leonard: Cisna?
Orren: Eat a dick. Eat a big honkin’ dick.


Yulie: Why would he save you?




Caesar: Well, I guess he didn’t want me kickin’ the bucket just yet. Me being an important Pactmaker, and all.

I honestly thought he was going to say “important character,” but then I’d have to accuse him of ripping off Balthier.


Eldore: Hmmm.

HOORAY! The Charles Shaughnessy Emotive Grunts are back!


CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Rocco’s Thanks” (Disc 2, Track 11)

Rocco: Pardon me.

I love how Rocco patiently waits for them to get done with their internal bullshit before making his presence known again.


Leonard: Hmm?


Rocco: Hello there.


Rocco: Thank you so very very much for saving my life. Thank you thank you thank you so very very much.


Caesar: Oh hey, you! You’re alive!


Caesar: That’s funny, I thought he got eaten.

Cause, you know, this party sucks at rescuing people.


Rocco: Oh… you too?


Rocco: Whenever I go missing, everybody always assumes the worst.


Rocco: “Rocco fell off a cliff” or “Rocco got eaten by a greaver” or… Well, you get the idea.


Yulie: Sorry. He didn’t mean it like that.
Yulie: He’s kind of a dick sometimes.


Rocco: No, it’s fine. Better people assume the worst than the worst actually befall me.

Blind Sally said he thought Rocco was annoying because of his self-pitying act. I would actually like to disagree. True, Rocco is annoying for a host of reasons, but I actually like his little self-aware fatalism here; he’s just so nonchalant about the how terrible things tend to happen to him, and well, hell, it hasn’t killed him yet (emphasising the YET).

Then again, after being with Leonard for so long, anyone in this game who shows a level of self-awareness gets an automatic pass in my book. That’s probably why I like characters like Caesar, Kara, Yulie, Belcitane and Osmund so much.




Rocco: Thank you again, good sirs and ladies.
Rocco: For what, I’m not really sure, seeing as how I fixed this thing myself, but whatever. Peace out, everyone!


He fires up his not-actually-a-glider and prepares to leave.


Rocco: Now, I must go.
Rocco: My planet needs me.
Rocco: But we will meet again.




Rocco: I will repay you, I promiiiiiiiiise!




Rocco takes to the sky again.




And then he crashed into the canyon wall and died.

Oh well.

I think his might just be the first character the party actually rescues who then survives the post-rescue.

Yay progress! We’re ¾’s into the game and we’ve just now figured out “heroism”.


Caesar: Funny little guy, huh?


And now Kara’s back. She trades a knowing glance with Caesar.


Caesar: Well, shall we?


Kara: Hmph.


And it’s back on road again.


Kara: Guess even the mighty Knights stumble every now and then.
Leonard: Caesar, you alright?
Yulie: I’m just glad Caesar’s safe.
Eldore: Now why would Ebonwings help us?
Orren: Oh, you’re not fooling anyone… either of you.
Caesar: That’s right! Nobody’s perfect!




CUTSCENE: Welcome to Baccea, Bi— I mean Nincompoop


Yulie: Hey! Look up ahead!




Yulie: Is that a village?


Eldore: Damn, we’ll have to circle around.


Leonard: What’s the problem, Eldore?


Caesar: Let’s just take the old guy’s word for it for once.


Caesar: We gotta go.

God, if even Caesar’s agreeing with Eldore, this must be bad.


Osmund: Ha ha ho!!


Osmund: Too late, losers!




And there he is, the rabbit-man himself.

Blind Sally said that Osmund talks like Tom Hardy’s Bane with that facemask thing and his accent. I’d amend that to say he talks like Marquis Ondore from FFXII channelling Tom Hardy’s Bane.

Osmund: When Balandor is ashes, then you have my permission to die.

Osmund: Your failure must be more severe.

Osmund: Calm down, Princess! Now is not the time for fear. That comes later… in game 2.


Sorry guys, I’m out of Bane jokes.


Osmund: Maybe you nincompoops haven’t heard? You’re trespassing on OUR land.




And then the whole damn Papitaur army shows up.

Thanks Eldore, you incontinent anus, for knowingly letting us walk into Baccean territory without saying anything, despite knowing apparently where Baccea was in Frass Chasm and how xenophobic the Papitaurs are to outsiders.

Epimitheus Unbound.

NOTE: Osmund’s xenophobia is cutscene conditional, you’ll notice in Baccea that there are a few humans and Wargs wandering around the place. I don’t know what their deal is. Maybe Osmund is just holding them hostage inside the city, I dunno, nor do I care.




Osmund: And do you know what we do with nincompoop trespassers?


Caesar: Come on. Let it slide. We took a wrong turn.


Osmund: For nincompoops, the sentence…


Osmund: Is DEATH!!!

And the crowd goes wild.

Just one thing before we continue. Baccea has some sort of trade agreement with Greede. According to Caesar, the Windwalkers sell their Greaver gas collectings to Greede for outrageous prices. Also according to Caesar, Greede supplies Baccea with all the essential resources it needs to survive yet can’t produce on its own.

Surely Osmund, the village chief and Windwalker captain would know by sight the son and heir of the man who’s word keeps his people from dying in one way or another, to say nothing of the fact that Caesar now is that man himself. You’d think that card would be worth throwing down on the table, no?

Ah, hell, he’s going to try to kill Leonard for us. Let’s just hear him out.


Leonard: Hold on there! We weren’t doing—


Osmund: SILENCE!


Osmund: Get them! Arrest them all!


So this is Osmund’s secret weapon? Three nets?


Three frickin nets against a group of people who have swords and axes, and oh yeah THREE FUCKING KNIGHTS AT THEIR DISPOSAL!


You mean to tell me that some rope and weights, are going to…

Everyone: AHHH!


Oh, of fucking course they are.


CUTSCENE: Just Give Me The Match, I’ll Blow Us All Up Myself
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Baccea” (Disc 2, Track 9)

Baccea’s town theme is yet another example of this game being spoiled by its sound design department.


So Team You Fucking Idiots are given the Indiana Jones treatment and are hogtied around a trio of posts in the centre of town.


Of the lot of them, Yulie is the only one struggling to get free, probably because she’s the only one with something to live for outside of this stupid quest.


Osmund: So sorry, but your punishment will be carried out immediately.
Orren: Good. I hate long waits.


Osmund: Is everybody READY?!


Yulie: This has gone far enough! Urgh! Let us go!




Leonard: Eldore!


Eldore: Mrugh.
Orren: My thoughts exactly.
Caesar: Play fair… lousy stink-jockeys.
Orren: Yeah, because there’s something guaranteed to defuse this situation: ethnic slurs. You ass.


Osmund whips around at Caesar’s comment.


He starts swaggering over to the group, specifically to Caesar.


Wow, and here I thought it would be Cyrus’s racism that proved deadly first, but nope, apparently it’s gonna be Caesar’s.


Osmund: Hey you. What did you just say?


Caesar: I said…


Caesar: You wouldn’t know justice if it bit you in the tail, my friend.


Osmund: He he ha ha hah. I heard the name you used. How dare you insult the holy calling…




Osmund: Of the WINDWALKERS!


So yeah, the Papitaurs trot out this thing. I take it back, maybe they do have a little Ork in them. ‘Cause that thing looks pretty zoggin’ orkky.


Caesar: What is… that?


Osmund: This is the Device of Punishment! And you will soon feel its wrath.


Kara: Ghh!


Yulie: That isn’t… what I think it is, is it?
Leonard: I’m pretty sure that’s a… bomb.


Orren: So, do one of you three want to transform now? Doesn’t matter who does it. Hell, Kara, why don’t you surprise everybody. I mean, you’re decent at saving people, right?
Kara: I don’t know what you’re—
Orren: Whatever then. Hey, Captain Colour-Clash! I’ve got some matches in my back pocket if you want to speed this up a little.


Osmund: First, a little demonstration.


Osmund: Behold.


Osmund: Over there, we have placed a Device of Punishment exactly like the one before you.


Osmund: Now watch carefully…




Osmund: Ready!!!




Osmund: 5!


Osmund: 4—


[BOOM]










Osmund: NOOOOOOOO!!!


Osmund: It’s too soon! Too SOON!


Osmund: I was only at FOUR!






Osmund: Oooh! You incompetent, nitwit, imbecilic... NINCOMPOOP!


Osmund does some awesome little pissed off temper tantrum footstamping.


Demo Man: S—sorry, Boss. The bomb just went “boom”…


Osmund: Hu hu huuh.


Osmund: Uh, no matter! Time for the real show.


Osmund: Stand BACK, EVERBODYYYYYY!!


And everyone runs for cover because who the hell knows when this thing is going to go off this time.


Leonard: Hey! No, wait! Stop!

More of Leonard’s masterful oratory and persuasive skills at work.

Once again, this is another one of those wonderful little “Transform, you idiot” scenes wherein the heroes look like incompetent moron failures because they flat out refuse to push their own personal “I win” button for the sake of contrived drama.


Caesar: Hey, Eldore! Do something, come on! Cast a spell, will you?!

Aww. Look at that, Caesar’s still under the naïve opinion that Eldore actually is some sort of wizard, rather than a useless old man who just knows one or two parlour tricks like the old Mind Rape spell.


Eldore: Urrh. It’s no good.
Eldore: I haven’t had my nap today.


Again, of all of them, Yulie is the one struggling the hardest.


Yulie: You let us go NOW!


Jeez, she’s really getting into it.


Osmund: Ready!!!




Osmund: 5!


Osmund: 4!


Osmund: 3!
Orren: Come, sweet death, I’m ready for you!


Osmund: 2!


Osmund: 1—
Rocco: Aaaaaah! Please, no, WAIT!


Oh, hey.


Osmund: Rocco?! …Didn’t you fall off a cliff?

Hah! I love that little callback.


CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Rocco’s Thanks” (Disc 2, Track 11)


Yulie: Huh? Rocco!


And then the bomb blows up anyway, because Rocco has absolutely terrible luck.




Osmund: I offer my deepest apologies. What a terrible misunderstanding! I had no idea you helped our Rocco. Oh, to think I almost blew you up.
Orren: Yeah, cuz that was fucking hilarious.

For some reason that’s not explained at all, Osmund has a soft spot for Rocco despite him being a walking disaster. Hence why Rocco was probably the only person able to talk Osmund down from the “blow these idiots straight to hell” cliff. It’s hinted at, vaguely, that Rocco is Osmund’s personal protégé and is on track to be his successor as Windwalker captain, but I can’t say for certain because “not on the page, not on the stage” is in full effect in this game.

I want to say that Rocco is actually Osmund’s son, and that’s why they’re so close (if you go back and watch the CG cutscene from the last chapter, you can see Osmund shares a similar hair and skin colour to Rocco), but the game never comes out and confirms it, so... eh


Osmund: These men you speak of, they must be the nincompoops in black that came through the canyon.


Osmund: The Windwalkers are in your debt, and we wish to help.


Osmund: We will bring bombs, and blow them into little bits!

Okay, dat’s pretty zoggnin’ orkky. I love how the solution to all of Osmund’s problems seem to be to blow them the fuck up: Greavers, Leonard, the Magi, there’s nothing in this game that a good gigantic bomb can’t fix.


Leonard: Ahh… that’s alright.

Leave it to Leonard to turn down practical help.

Numbnuts, this is how you win: you utilize the element of surprise. Grazel is just going to be standing there at Thaumus Rock looking all smug and not-Sephiroth-y, he starts monolouging and demanding you turn over the Arks and then BOOM! He gets a one-kiloton face full of Baccea’s finest export: HOT DEATH.

But no, you’ve got to be a chivalric moron. Okay, what’s your reason then?

Leonard: We’re, uh, trying not to make our presence known.
Orren: Bullshit. Grazel knows were coming. He’s got Thaumus Rock staked out already, he’s got a godsdamn airship to cover the place with, an army of gigases, and General fucking Dragias herself standing just over your shoulder.
Leonard: Oh my gods. YULIE?! How could you!.
Orren: Urgh. Hey Osmund, do those Devices of Punishment come in handheld size, by chance?


Osmund: Ahah. I see. I see. Then consider this village at your disposal. I am Osmund. My people and I will make sure you are ready.


Osmund: And we will help you win.


Leonard: Thanks, Osmund.


So now we have free reign to explore Baccea. See what I mean about there being people other than Papitarus here? Clarissa is the town’s Incorruptus Mechanic and she’s as human as they come.

Eldore: That was more than a mere “misunderstanding.”


And because Osmund loves to Leeroy Jenkins the shit out of everything he does, the Windwalker glider base, seen just off in the background, rests at the lip of a massive waterfall, which serves as their launch pad.


There’s not really much to Baccea. Normally you’d scoop up the latest weapons and armour and items and then be on your way to the next waypoint. But first, we need to have a foreshadowing cutscene.


CUTSCENE: Sir Thaumus, the One-Eyed

As they’re exploring the town, Leonard and Orren come across a group of Papitaur children drawing something in the dirt.


Why Leonard and Orren are in this close proximity to one another in-LP universe, I don’t really know.

Leonard: Hmmm…


One of the kids realises they’re there and kind of freaks out over them. His name is Mearle, by the way, so instantly I have a hard time taking him seriously because I expect him to be voiced by Michael Rooker and speak primarily in racial and sexual slurs.

Christ I miss Walking Dead’s Merle.


Mearle: Hey! No looking!


Leonard: Watcha drawing?
Mearle: Huh? You don’t know?
Orren: Kid, he doesn’t know how to breath sometimes. He’s not going to know what that’s supposed to be.


Mearle: But this is Sir Thaumus!
Leonard: Ah, so that’s him.


Mearle: He’s the strongest Troll of all.


Mearle: And he was the Winwalkers’ friend, too!


Leonard: And this?
Mearle: Sir Thaumus only had one eye.


Mearle: But you know what? He was so powerful, it was like he had eyes the back of his head.

Thaumus has been dead for ten thousand years and has only been a thing in this story for about 30 minutes and is already a more interesting character than Leonard.


Mearle: See how strong?


Leonard: Yeah.








Orren: …Yeah, you’re gonna want to take a bath when you get home. You have no idea where he’s been and what he’s touched.




Robbed of a merciful death, how depressing. Maybe I should start praying to Thaumus and see how that turns out.

Seems to be working for the Windwalkers…

• 19.1 - The Downed Windwalker
  
• 19.i - Pygmy Greaver Boss Fight
  
• 19.2 - Rocco's Medieval Life
  
• 19.3 - Welcome to Baccea, Bi— I Mean Nincompoop
  
• 19.4 - Just Give Me The Match, I'll Blow Us All Up Myself
  
• 19.5 - Sir Thaumus, the One-Eyed

BACCEA